Regrets
by Ellie Marsy
Summary: Bella learns about one of Jasper's regrets after he babysits Renesmee.


Jasper and Bella time! Note this is not a romantic fic. I don't like to think of them as a romantic couple. Jasper and Alice are too much of a perfect couple. Plus, I actually like Bella and Jasper's sibling relationship. At least the one in fanfiction. They don't really have one in the books.

This one's for all you readers out there! Have a merry Christmas!

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

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Bella couldn't help but smile as she walked back to her cottage. She had been a Cullen for six months, and she couldn't imagine any way her life could get any better. She had her daughter, who was well past her toddler stages and had already learned to read and speak perfectly. She had already developed a knack for climbing and jumping around trees.

It was already dark. Bella had just returned from a much-needed hunt. Edward went with Rosalie to Port Angeles to get new carburetors for their cars, so she didn't expect them to be back quickly. It was Jasper's turn to babysit. At first, Bella was slightly hesitant about leaving Renesmee with him. Renesmee still had human blood flowing through her veins and Jasper was still far from being completely oblivious to his thirst. But ever since she first let Jasper hold her, it opened up a completely new side of him that perhaps only Alice had known before. His hard and intimidating facade melted away. He was gentle and completely taken with her. He was fiercely protective and grew furious when one of Renesmee's classmates started bullying her and pushed her to the ground. It was ironic that Jasper always claimed how weak he was with blood, yet whenever he was with Renesmee, he never showed any signs of weakness.

She heard Renesmee's high-pitched squeals of laughter grow louder as she entered the cottage. Renesmee was in the living room, leaning toward Jasper on the couch while Jasper had his arms wrapped around his chest and a pout on his face.

"Say it!" she was bouncing uncontrollably.

"No!" Jasper said while playfully turning his head away to face the other direction.

Bella watched from the doorway, not wanting to disturb their little banter.

"Say it!"

Jasper shook his head dramatically. His good mood was influencing the emotions in the house, making it impossible to stay serious. Renesmee crawled closer to him and put her chin on his shoulder, giving an irresistable puppy-eyed pout. "Say it, please?"

Jasper turned his head slowly toward her, his chin jutting out. He pondered for a few moments then sighed. "... Yeehaw."

She practically screamed as she jumped on him, lost in hysterics. Jasper caught her and kissed her cheek. "Ha, ha, ha," he replied dully, though his mood could've had anybody laughing.

Renesmee suddenly jumped from the couch and collided into Bella's arms in an impressive display of her vampire speed. "Mommy, mommy, mommy! Can we buy Uncle Jasper a cowboy hat and a horse?"

Bella's laughter joined Jasper's. "Hmm, well I think we can get a cowboy hat, but a horse might be a bit more of a problem."

Renesmee frowned as Bella stroked her hair. "C'mon, we gotta get you ready for bed. That's enough craziness for today. Give Uncle Jasper a kiss goodnight."

She walked over to him and kissed him sweetly on the cheek.

"Night, sweetheart," he spoke in his accent, which always made her go crazy.

"Uncle Jasper?" she asked while on his lap.

"Mm-hm?"

"You'd make a really good daddy," she giggled and hopped to her bedroom, leaving Jasper staring at the empty spot she had been sitting in.

Bella watched her go and turned back to Jasper. His face had fallen and his demeanor changed. He looked at Bella and forced a smile. Bella smiled back and turned to help Renesmee into bed. The mood in the house suddenly changed considerably.

Bella helped Nessie change into her nightgown and tucked her in. She fell asleep almost immediately. When she went back into the living room, she found Jasper sitting in the exact same position he was in when Nessie was on his lap, though his eyes were glancing at his feet and he fumbled with his hands. He forced another smile though the pain in his eyes was evident. Bella sighed. Ever since she was changed, she had become much closer and more comfortable around Jasper. Whatever issues they had over her eighteenth birthday party were forgotten, though she had the strange feeling that they weren't on his part.

She let her irritation show and he turned away slightly. The worst quality about Jasper wasn't his thirst or even the scars on his body; it was how stubborn he was when he was in pain. He wouldn't talk to anyone, not even Alice because he didn't want to bring anyone down with him.

"Jasper, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he attempted another smile but failed and settled for a reassuring nod.

She watched him glance awkwardly around the room. "Have you and Alice... ever wanted kids?" He looked back at her and his forced features fell. Bella suddenly felt overcome with sadness. "Jasper..."

He composed himself quickly and calm flooded the room. "I'm sorry, look, I should be getting back to the house."

"Jasper, you can talk to me, you know." She pleaded silently with him, letting her emotions show that she wanted to help him. He looked hesitantly toward the door and turned to her. "Did you want to become a father?"

He sighed and looked back down. Bella felt a deep sadness for him. Though she had heard stories from Edward, she had never actually witness Jasper in a depression. "I don't-... I'm not like Rosalie. I don't actually want, or think of myself as ever being a parent... But when I imagine Alice holding a little girl of her own, or stroking her stomach with that... pregnant glow about her, you know."

"Well, actually I would say I blanched rather than glowed during my pregnancy," she chuckled in an effort to lighten his mood.

"Right," he laughed bitterly. "Alice is incredible with Nessie and... it breaks my heart when I realize that I can't give that to her." He tiredly dragged his hand over his face. Bella comfortingly rubbed his shoulder. She had never known Jasper to feel this way. It was always Rosalie who wanted to a child. She suddenly felt guilty that she had asked him to babysit. Feeling her guilt, Jasper immediately shook his head. "No, I don't resent taking care of Nessie in any way. I love being her uncle."

Bella smiled. He continued to gaze at the ground. "Did you imagine yourself having a daughter or a son?"

Jasper smiled and stared as though he was remembering a fond memory. "I've imagined my child to have all of Alice's beauty. If it was a girl, she'd have her small and petite frame and her delicate eyes. She'd also have the same laugh. If it was a boy, then he'd share his mother's legendary ferocity," Bella laughed. "If I had a child, I wouldn't want any part of me to show."

"You're too harsh on yourself, Jasper."

"I wouldn't want them to have any resemblance or reason to know what I was."

His eyes turned dark and his jaw was clenched. Even though Bella had heard of Jasper's backstory as a soldier in Maria's newborn army, she never thought of him as a bad person. Even after he attacked her and she had seen how ferocious he could become, she was never scared of him. She knew deep inside that Jasper was a good person because he would never hurt her and would never be capable of harming someone he loves. Bella and the rest of the Cullens wished that someday he would see that in himself.

"What would you have named your child?"

He smiled sadly. "Well, if we had a son... the name David comes to mind...I don't even know if that's the right phrase. It's the first name I think of and it just stuck. Does that describe it alright?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much how it is. You file through hundreds of names until one just stays there."

"If we had a daughter... I like the name Rebecca."

Bella smiled. "That's a beautiful name. Rebecca Whitlock. "Jasper gave the first genuine smile since Nessie had left the room. "Does Alice know that you feel this way?"

He shook his head. "I don't want her to. I don't want her to think that I'm not happy with what I have or that I want something more from her. I don't want her to live in regret. "Bella thought of Alice's happy smile and attitude. It filled her with grief when she pictured her sister heartbroken and empty. Alice was one of those people who was meant to be happy. Jasper shifted uncomfortably. Bella had the feeling that they had both been thinking of the same thing. "Plus, it doesn't matter either way. It's never going to happen... And I really doubt that I would ever make a good father."

Jasper's gaze dropped back to the floor and his pain continued to flood the room. Bella never doubted how lucky she was that she was one of the only vampires in existence to have her own child. It pained her to think of what would have happened if Edward changed her before their wedding. She thought of Rosalie, who wanted to be a mother so badly but could never have the chance. She looked at Jasper, who wanted nothing more than to make his wife happy and give her a family.

"Well Jasper, my daughter certainly thinks that you are wrong, and so do I as a matter of fact," He finally looked into her face and smiled slightly. "And... if it's any consolation prize, you're an amazing brother... And I love you."

His face softened and the mood of the room changed. He was feeling surprised. She had told all of her siblings except for him that she loved them. Bella always had loved him the moment she became part of the family. She wondered if he was aware that at times he tended to be overprotective of her as well. He didn't like the idea of her going hunting on her own, even though she still had the strength of a newborn. He would never admit it, but Jasper was one of the kindest people she knew.

He smiled at her and pulled her into a gentle hug. "I love you, too." He suddenly stiffened slightly when he felt a change in the emotions of the house. "Ness..."

She walked toward them, her face scrunched up from the light and her hair tangled and messy. "Mommy, I had a bad dream."

"Oh, baby..." she carried her daughter into her arms and soothingly rubbed her back. "Shh, it's okay. You're okay now."

"Can I stay with Uncle Jasper?"

She glanced at Jasper, who looked slightly surprised. "Uncle Jasper?"

She put Renesmee in his arms. He rocked her back and forth gently. "You feel better, sweetheart?" She nodded into his neck. "What about now?" Jasper changed her emotions. She laughed. "There we go. Now why don't you tell me about your dream, honey?"

Bella watched Jasper carry Renesmee around the room, enjoying seeing him have such an intimate moment. She had no regrets in her life and when she thought of her pregnancy, she wouldn't have done anything different. She thought of Jasper, who had so many things that he regretted in his life. If he had gotten married and had a child, he never would've become a vampire and met Alice. He could only choose one option, and he chose the latter. It seemed unfair, yet as Bella watched them she realized that she couldn't have imagined a happier picture.


End file.
